My house burned down 10 years ago. It was not fun.

So I hate vagueness in FB posts. I also hate over sharing. I am hoping to make a happy balance here.

If you are friends with me, or any of my family, you may have seen posts about a fire. It happened. 10 years ago my family and I lost all that we had to the California wild fires. We had minuets to get out. We lived on a family homestead of 100 acres of chaparral, mountainous land. We lived in one house (my parents, me, two younger brothers and two younger sisters), My Grandma and Grandpa lived in shouting distance, then there was my older sister and brother in my Great Aunt and Uncle’s house (they had passed away and the house was empty, so they moved in….this was normal to use), my Great Aunt and Uncle next to them, then my cousins and their two kids (also my cousins, which utterly confused me as a child), and their parents, my other great Aunt and Uncle. It was 6 houses full of wonderful people I loved very much. There was also random out buildings that were a bit shanty. It was all a bit shanty to be honest, as we all built the homes ourselves. My father built our home. My Grandpa built his, and so on. It was a farmer’s mentality there. Hard work from sun up to sun set. The Ranch (as we grew up calling it) was a retired turkey ranch. It was where my mother grew up. It was, and still is, my most favorite place in all the world (and I get around).

We awoke to the smell of smoke in the early morning hours and my mother went driving around to see if she could see the fire. Again, we lived in a fairly dry area, so fires were not uncommon. We have been evacuated many times before. She saw nothing and we all went back to sleep. My little brother, Micah, had trouble sleeping and woke us all up about two hours later because our property was glowing with flames on the mountains. It was horrifying. To get into all the details would take a full book (yes, I am working on. I have been…for ten years). We woke all the little ones up and my older sister ran up to our house to drive us off the property. We hustled my little brothers, little sisters, me and my older sister into our mini van, with the pets we could wrangle (we lost some in the fire), and only a few special items (3 stuffed animals, a guitar that was later stolen our of our car while we were evacuated…the worst, and a gym bag. That was it. That was all). My older brother and my mother had to force my grandparents to leave. They were determined to stay and protect their houses, and my Grandma was already suffering from dementia. My cousins helped themselves, their kids, and their parents off. But my other great aunt  (who also was loosing mental facilities) and great uncle were left. A police officer, who had heard of the fire and knew we were in a rural area and would not have evacuation assistance from the city, drove to our house to let us know we had to leave…NOW. He took it upon himself to make sure my last great Aunt and Uncle made it to safety. I am so grateful of his kindness.

My father was working out of state. He had to wake up to our horrified phone calls and get on a plane ASAP.

Tears, hours, and horrible memories later, my uncle rode up the hill on his bike (it was closed off to traffic) to let us know the good news; my Grandparents house was fine and still standing. I am not sure they could have made it through being displaced permanently. I remember seeing the charred ground all the way up to the house, but the house was fine. It was a gift. But our house, the house my older sister and brother were living in, and my elderly great aunt and uncle’s house were gone. A pile of rubble and ashes. Everything we had was gone. Everything. Nothing was salvageable, although we searched through the ashes for days, more as a healing and mourning process than anything. My Father built our house. There was no insurance policy to fall back on. There was not great amount in savings. There was not other house somewhere we could go to. That was it. It was all gone.

I was 17, in my senior year of high school. Each one of us was affected in different ways as we were all in vastly different stages in our lives. When I sit to reflect on this traumatic experience, it brings up lots of heart hurting emotions that I do not like feeling. It is only when I truly think about it, relive how terrifying and shocking the event was, do I feel negative feelings (and when I smell smoke. That still turns my stomach 10 years later).

When I think about it in passing, or if I see something I had not seen since it burned, and ever thought about it again, or if someone finds out that this is a part of my story, I feel happy, and thankful. I feel blessed thinking about this. Even when I really hash out all of the details in my heart the overwhelming feeling I am left with is gratitude. Truly.

Somewhere around 16 people died in this fire. 12 of them were within miles of our home. The fire moved THAT fast and was THAT destructive. We had a land locked, dry, unknown area with the very elderly and the very young living together, and we all made it out alive. All of us.

In this time of having nothing, needing everything, and everything you know being taken away from you in hours, you have to cling to those around you. Those closest to you; your family and siblings. I like those people. Those are my favorite people. Sometimes this stress on a relationship can break bonds, but this only strengthened it for us. There is no other 6 people I would want to be homeless with, have to rely on the kindness of others for needs, and to be in the bottom most pit of my life with. I truly to love my siblings and parents, but I also like them. They are my favorite people anywhere.

The days, weeks, even months after the fire was a struggle to say the least. But the memories I have are of us all laughing, playing games, eating together, being ridiculously silly, and bonding even more than we already were. It was not all happy. It was awful. It was worse than I could ever explain, but the happy is prevalent in my memory far grater than the gut wrenching. That is still there, but I bask and welcome the happy.

I am thankful that I have the family I do. This almost broke me. It truly did. I was too young and had far too other “pressing” (in the mind of a 17 year old) issues to survive this time with a shred of sanity, hope, or joy in my future. If it was not for my parents, and more-over my siblings, I can say with great clarity and honestly that I would not have survived in the way I did. Today we are all stronger for this catastrophic event in our lives. Only by the love of my family, the giving and kindness of others, and lots of grace I can say I am the woman I am today.

So I have been remembering lots at this time, and the majority of them leave me with warm fuzz in my heart. It was a disaster, and I have warm fuzz. I am glad that is the case.

In fact, my only lingering sadness is that I cannot be in San Diego with my siblings to share this event in our lives (my sister who lives out here is coming over today and we will be skyping the larger of the clan, which is the next best thing). Being sad bites hard, but if the only negative feeling that is grand enough to take root in my heart is sadness at being away from a family that I have such great genuine affection and admiration for, I think we are all ok.

I love you, Mom and Dad, and I love you sibs. 

I am for marriage equality

I have been scared to post my thoughts on this issue for YEARS now. I know it will cause opinions of me to change, and make many waves. But I want to be brave. If I am so scared to come out as pro marriage equality, then how scared and lonely do those who are facing coming out, or being attracted to the same sex, must feel. I think it is brave to show who you are. I want to be brave too.


 I know that this is in text form, so you cannot see my heart or gestures in all of this. Please read it with a filter in your mind knowing me, and knowing that all I am trying to do is live love. I think this might be coming across harsher than it seems. I am pro love, pro peace, and pro equal rights.

I am for marriage equality. I have wrestled round and round with it, read scripture, sought counsel, read articles, translated greek, and I have come to this decision through all of that. It is not something half hearted or swayed by popular opinion at all. Far from it honestly. The people I see around me, usually, out here in the south are church going people who consider themselves Christians. So what I have to say and my view on the issue is VERY unpopular, but it is a truth I have come to, and I cannot stay quiet. I do honestly feel called to be brave in saying what I believe publicly. I know this will lead to me making waves in church, for my husband who works in church, and for even my relationship with my family. I do not do this lightly. I knew saying "yay for equality" publicly on facebook would make people think I am crazy, make people question my beliefs, and I am ready for that. Questioning beliefs is ALWAYS a good thing. If you are secure in who God is, and him being all knowing, all powerful, and all perfect, then questioning in a political, scientific, or humanitarian way will only bring you closer to God.

Why Facebook? Why not person to person in small groups? Facebook is where the people are. And frankly not many want to talk about the hard stuff, and not many can remain loving while something they hold near, or have known their whole life is being challenged. I would love to talk face to face about this. Just be sweet.

I have been privileged to live in three different regions on the US, and travel to almost all the states. I have met many people walking many different paths. I think people are beautiful. They all have a story and a different color that adds to the vast vibrance that makes up humanity. Not everyone likes all the colors they see, but they are all beautiful. To say some are less beautiful because of sin makes no sense to me. Because God created all beautiful, and we are all sinners. We are all imperfect. All our different colors are tarnished in some way. Different ways, but all dulled by the crap in our lives.

This actually came to a head in the civil rights movement when anyone who was not white was not considered as important under the law. I would like to think the Christians were the ones standing for equality then, and some were, but that was not the majority. It was a social issue that bled into our politics, and we created this sort of 'sub human' group because of outward differences. We look back, as people, and are ashamed how ignorant we could have been. But we are doing THE SAME THING with those who are attracted to the same sex. We are not giving them all the rights that heterosexuals have. We are not. That is a fact. We are treated them less than others. It is not just a piece of paper that we are withholding, it is so much more. Tax dollars, health benefits, monetary benefits, benefits to real estate and visitation rights, and so much more than I could fit here. I would dare for anyone who is female who does not think this group of people is being discriminated against under the law think back 100 years when women were a sub group of people who could not own land, hold jobs, vote, or make their own reproductive decisions. It is a scary thought. I do not take my freedom lightly. There were many brave and 'crazy' women who fought the fight then, so I could fight this fight now.

I am not talking about a law to marry animals. No one is.

I am not talking about a law to marry more than one person at a time. No one is.

I am not talking about a law to marry a minor. No one is.

We are talking about a law for a consenting adult man to marry a consenting adult man. Or woman to marry a consenting adult woman.

Yes the church calls it marriage. Yes the government calls it marriage. It is a word. To say that we cannot share a word it very childish to me. My marriage of almost 6 years if very different than almost every other marriage I  know. They all are. You make your marriage what you want it to be, and you let everyone else make their marriage what they want it to be. It is a word. No one's marriage being different to yours changes yours in any way. You make your marriage what it is.

What it comes down to for me is not even a 'religious' issue. It has NOTHING to do with if homosexuality is a 'sin'. No one is asking if it is or not. And from the people who are attracted to the same sex that I know, they don't really care what the large, huge, and intimidating entity know as Christianity thinks about the decisions they are making. They already know what the 'church' thinks. They are not looking for approval from that group of people. Dare I say they are not even looking for approval. They want the same rights as everyone else. That is all. The beauty of separation of Church and state, the whole reason the US began (being religious freedom), is that the law and my church don't need to sync. Nor will it EVER! and that is ok with me. There are enough issues in the church, and plenty of issues in the white house. I don't need them bleeding over into each other. It is not up to me, as a Jesus follower, to make my own government and country, and hide away under laws that follow my personal belief system.

So for the argument of NOT voting for marriage equality due to homosexuality being a sin makes no sense for me. Let's take this out of this 'gay' box and think of if differently. Obesity is a sin. It causes kids to have shorter and less productive lives. It takes parents away from their kids too early. It messes up the ratios of what countries consume and which need what resources. It jacks up the economy and makes health care costs unaffordable for almost half the population. So, then, should we say those who are obese, because they are participating in this 'sin', not be eligible for health care? Should they not be able to own homes, have kids, hold jobs? Maybe we make them pay twice as much in taxes? Should we vote that under the law they be treated different than anyone else? With health care lets go to premarital sex. If someone contracts an STD out of wedlock, should they not be allowed to see a doctor? What if a woman gets pregnant out of a marriage. Should she be shunned by any and every government institution, or not receive and aid because of her sin? Should the law not pertain to her because of her choices? This can go into people who are lazy, those who gossip, those who have substance abuse or anger issues...this is all sin. We cannot make laws based on who is sinning and who is not. Or if someone is doing something we don't think they should do. I know that might sound ideal to some, to hide up, all together, all believing the same thing, and have one body of government that only applies to us. But that is not realistic. And that is not America. And the kink in that plan is we are all sinners! We all have something in our lives that would disqualify us from living in a perfect, bible believing, christian government.

And this is not a place I would want to be.

*yes some laws are the same in the political system as the systematic beliefs of Christianity like stealing and murder. I know that. There will be some overlap. Obviously.

I follow Jesus. I am not a scholar or a priest, but I have, for years, followed, learned, researched, and attempted to mimic the teachings of Jesus. What did he say of government? Give to Caesar what is Caesars, and give to God what is God's. Even he saw that there was a separation. Not only did he fight for, stand up for, and love those who were not living perfect lives, he included himself with them. No one lives a perfect life. He sought to love those who were the most outcast, the most downtrodden, and the most overlooked in the society. And he stood up for them. I think, in today's culture, that group of people would be homosexuals. They have been bullied, pushed around, and blatantly judged by society, and mainly the church. I do not want to be part of that. I want to be part of a movement that fights of all rights to all people. Every color and hue that makes up our brilliant humanity. My beliefs on if it is a sin has no bearing on me voting for marriage to be a political privilege to all consenting adults. It is separate from the bible, and separate from church, because that is how our country was formed.

*To get my beliefs on if it is a sin takes HOURS of conversation and lots of coffee. So call me. We will hang.

I want to be a radical, like Jesus, fighting for those who need to be fought for, regardless if I think they are sinning differently than I am. I have know far too many awesome, good, kind, loving, committed, and peace loving people in my life who happened to be attracted to the same sex getting hated on by the church, being shunned by society, and being forgotten by the laws of this country. I live a life of acceptance to all, just because they are humans, and deserving of the same love, light, and rights that I have. I will not show them hate. I will not let them be shunned, and I will fight and vote so that they are not forgotten.

I hope this all makes sense, and that you can see I am passionate about the issue, only because I truly feel it is right to be, for me. Maybe it is my calling, or maybe it is just how I am wired, but I cannot stray from the conviction I have to fight for justice for all. Equally.


Side note - I HATE using 'they' to refer to a group of people, but I could not see a way around it. I think we are all a 'we' - humans :)


I encourage you all to be brave. I hope you fight for for peace and love at all times, and at all costs.

Thank you

Beka