So I hate vagueness in FB posts. I also hate over sharing. I
am hoping to make a happy balance here.
If you are friends with me, or any of my family, you may
have seen posts about a fire. It happened. 10 years ago my family and I lost
all that we had to the California wild fires. We had minuets to get out. We
lived on a family homestead of 100 acres of chaparral, mountainous land. We
lived in one house (my parents, me, two younger brothers and two younger
sisters), My Grandma and Grandpa lived in shouting distance, then there was my
older sister and brother in my Great Aunt and Uncle’s house (they had passed
away and the house was empty, so they moved in….this was normal to use), my
Great Aunt and Uncle next to them, then my cousins and their two kids (also my
cousins, which utterly confused me as a child), and their parents, my other
great Aunt and Uncle. It was 6 houses full of wonderful people I loved very
much. There was also random out buildings that were a bit shanty. It was all a
bit shanty to be honest, as we all built the homes ourselves. My father built
our home. My Grandpa built his, and so on. It was a farmer’s mentality there.
Hard work from sun up to sun set. The Ranch (as we grew up calling it) was a
retired turkey ranch. It was where my mother grew up. It was, and still is, my
most favorite place in all the world (and I get around).
We awoke to the smell of smoke in the early morning hours
and my mother went driving around to see if she could see the fire. Again, we
lived in a fairly dry area, so fires were not uncommon. We have been evacuated
many times before. She saw nothing and we all went back to sleep. My little
brother, Micah, had trouble sleeping and woke us all up about two hours later
because our property was glowing with flames on the mountains. It was
horrifying. To get into all the details would take a full book (yes, I am
working on. I have been…for ten years). We woke all the little ones up and my
older sister ran up to our house to drive us off the property. We hustled my
little brothers, little sisters, me and my older sister into our mini van, with
the pets we could wrangle (we lost some in the fire), and only a few special
items (3 stuffed animals, a guitar that was later stolen our of our car while
we were evacuated…the worst, and a gym bag. That was it. That was all). My
older brother and my mother had to force my grandparents to leave. They were
determined to stay and protect their houses, and my Grandma was already
suffering from dementia. My cousins helped themselves, their kids, and their
parents off. But my other great aunt
(who also was loosing mental facilities) and great uncle were left. A
police officer, who had heard of the fire and knew we were in a rural area and
would not have evacuation assistance from the city, drove to our house to let
us know we had to leave…NOW. He took it upon himself to make sure my last great
Aunt and Uncle made it to safety. I am so grateful of his kindness.
My father was working out of state. He had to wake up to our
horrified phone calls and get on a plane ASAP.
Tears, hours, and horrible memories later, my uncle rode up
the hill on his bike (it was closed off to traffic) to let us know the good
news; my Grandparents house was fine and still standing. I am not sure they
could have made it through being displaced permanently. I remember seeing the
charred ground all the way up to the house, but the house was fine. It was a
gift. But our house, the house my older sister and brother were living in, and
my elderly great aunt and uncle’s house were gone. A pile of rubble and ashes.
Everything we had was gone. Everything. Nothing was salvageable, although we
searched through the ashes for days, more as a healing and mourning process
than anything. My Father built our house. There was no insurance policy to fall
back on. There was not great amount in savings. There was not other house
somewhere we could go to. That was it. It was all gone.
I was 17, in my senior year of high school. Each one of us
was affected in different ways as we were all in vastly different stages in our
lives. When I sit to reflect on this traumatic experience, it brings up lots of
heart hurting emotions that I do not like feeling. It is only when I truly
think about it, relive how terrifying and shocking the event was, do I feel
negative feelings (and when I smell smoke. That still turns my stomach 10 years
later).
When I think about it in passing, or if I see something I
had not seen since it burned, and ever thought about it again, or if someone
finds out that this is a part of my story, I feel happy, and thankful. I feel
blessed thinking about this. Even when I really hash out all of the details in
my heart the overwhelming feeling I am left with is gratitude. Truly.
Somewhere around 16 people died in this fire. 12 of them
were within miles of our home. The fire moved THAT fast and was THAT
destructive. We had a land locked, dry, unknown area with the very elderly and
the very young living together, and we all made it out alive. All of us.
In this time of having nothing, needing everything, and
everything you know being taken away from you in hours, you have to cling to
those around you. Those closest to you; your family and siblings. I like those
people. Those are my favorite people. Sometimes this stress on a relationship
can break bonds, but this only strengthened it for us. There is no other 6
people I would want to be homeless with, have to rely on the kindness of others
for needs, and to be in the bottom most pit of my life with. I truly to love my
siblings and parents, but I also like them. They are my favorite people
anywhere.
The days, weeks, even months after the fire was a struggle
to say the least. But the memories I have are of us all laughing, playing
games, eating together, being ridiculously silly, and bonding even more than we
already were. It was not all happy. It was awful. It was worse than I could
ever explain, but the happy is prevalent in my memory far grater than the gut
wrenching. That is still there, but I bask and welcome the happy.
I am thankful that I have the family I do. This almost broke
me. It truly did. I was too young and had far too other “pressing” (in the mind
of a 17 year old) issues to survive this time with a shred of sanity, hope, or
joy in my future. If it was not for my parents, and more-over my siblings, I
can say with great clarity and honestly that I would not have survived in the
way I did. Today we are all stronger for this catastrophic event in our lives.
Only by the love of my family, the giving and kindness of others, and lots of
grace I can say I am the woman I am today.
So I have been remembering lots at this time, and the
majority of them leave me with warm fuzz in my heart. It was a disaster, and I
have warm fuzz. I am glad that is the case.
In fact, my only lingering sadness is that I cannot be in
San Diego with my siblings to share this event in our lives (my sister who
lives out here is coming over today and we will be skyping the larger of the
clan, which is the next best thing). Being sad bites hard, but if the only
negative feeling that is grand enough to take root in my heart is sadness at
being away from a family that I have such great genuine affection and
admiration for, I think we are all ok.
I love you, Mom and Dad, and I love you sibs.
