My house burned down 10 years ago. It was not fun.

So I hate vagueness in FB posts. I also hate over sharing. I am hoping to make a happy balance here.

If you are friends with me, or any of my family, you may have seen posts about a fire. It happened. 10 years ago my family and I lost all that we had to the California wild fires. We had minuets to get out. We lived on a family homestead of 100 acres of chaparral, mountainous land. We lived in one house (my parents, me, two younger brothers and two younger sisters), My Grandma and Grandpa lived in shouting distance, then there was my older sister and brother in my Great Aunt and Uncle’s house (they had passed away and the house was empty, so they moved in….this was normal to use), my Great Aunt and Uncle next to them, then my cousins and their two kids (also my cousins, which utterly confused me as a child), and their parents, my other great Aunt and Uncle. It was 6 houses full of wonderful people I loved very much. There was also random out buildings that were a bit shanty. It was all a bit shanty to be honest, as we all built the homes ourselves. My father built our home. My Grandpa built his, and so on. It was a farmer’s mentality there. Hard work from sun up to sun set. The Ranch (as we grew up calling it) was a retired turkey ranch. It was where my mother grew up. It was, and still is, my most favorite place in all the world (and I get around).

We awoke to the smell of smoke in the early morning hours and my mother went driving around to see if she could see the fire. Again, we lived in a fairly dry area, so fires were not uncommon. We have been evacuated many times before. She saw nothing and we all went back to sleep. My little brother, Micah, had trouble sleeping and woke us all up about two hours later because our property was glowing with flames on the mountains. It was horrifying. To get into all the details would take a full book (yes, I am working on. I have been…for ten years). We woke all the little ones up and my older sister ran up to our house to drive us off the property. We hustled my little brothers, little sisters, me and my older sister into our mini van, with the pets we could wrangle (we lost some in the fire), and only a few special items (3 stuffed animals, a guitar that was later stolen our of our car while we were evacuated…the worst, and a gym bag. That was it. That was all). My older brother and my mother had to force my grandparents to leave. They were determined to stay and protect their houses, and my Grandma was already suffering from dementia. My cousins helped themselves, their kids, and their parents off. But my other great aunt  (who also was loosing mental facilities) and great uncle were left. A police officer, who had heard of the fire and knew we were in a rural area and would not have evacuation assistance from the city, drove to our house to let us know we had to leave…NOW. He took it upon himself to make sure my last great Aunt and Uncle made it to safety. I am so grateful of his kindness.

My father was working out of state. He had to wake up to our horrified phone calls and get on a plane ASAP.

Tears, hours, and horrible memories later, my uncle rode up the hill on his bike (it was closed off to traffic) to let us know the good news; my Grandparents house was fine and still standing. I am not sure they could have made it through being displaced permanently. I remember seeing the charred ground all the way up to the house, but the house was fine. It was a gift. But our house, the house my older sister and brother were living in, and my elderly great aunt and uncle’s house were gone. A pile of rubble and ashes. Everything we had was gone. Everything. Nothing was salvageable, although we searched through the ashes for days, more as a healing and mourning process than anything. My Father built our house. There was no insurance policy to fall back on. There was not great amount in savings. There was not other house somewhere we could go to. That was it. It was all gone.

I was 17, in my senior year of high school. Each one of us was affected in different ways as we were all in vastly different stages in our lives. When I sit to reflect on this traumatic experience, it brings up lots of heart hurting emotions that I do not like feeling. It is only when I truly think about it, relive how terrifying and shocking the event was, do I feel negative feelings (and when I smell smoke. That still turns my stomach 10 years later).

When I think about it in passing, or if I see something I had not seen since it burned, and ever thought about it again, or if someone finds out that this is a part of my story, I feel happy, and thankful. I feel blessed thinking about this. Even when I really hash out all of the details in my heart the overwhelming feeling I am left with is gratitude. Truly.

Somewhere around 16 people died in this fire. 12 of them were within miles of our home. The fire moved THAT fast and was THAT destructive. We had a land locked, dry, unknown area with the very elderly and the very young living together, and we all made it out alive. All of us.

In this time of having nothing, needing everything, and everything you know being taken away from you in hours, you have to cling to those around you. Those closest to you; your family and siblings. I like those people. Those are my favorite people. Sometimes this stress on a relationship can break bonds, but this only strengthened it for us. There is no other 6 people I would want to be homeless with, have to rely on the kindness of others for needs, and to be in the bottom most pit of my life with. I truly to love my siblings and parents, but I also like them. They are my favorite people anywhere.

The days, weeks, even months after the fire was a struggle to say the least. But the memories I have are of us all laughing, playing games, eating together, being ridiculously silly, and bonding even more than we already were. It was not all happy. It was awful. It was worse than I could ever explain, but the happy is prevalent in my memory far grater than the gut wrenching. That is still there, but I bask and welcome the happy.

I am thankful that I have the family I do. This almost broke me. It truly did. I was too young and had far too other “pressing” (in the mind of a 17 year old) issues to survive this time with a shred of sanity, hope, or joy in my future. If it was not for my parents, and more-over my siblings, I can say with great clarity and honestly that I would not have survived in the way I did. Today we are all stronger for this catastrophic event in our lives. Only by the love of my family, the giving and kindness of others, and lots of grace I can say I am the woman I am today.

So I have been remembering lots at this time, and the majority of them leave me with warm fuzz in my heart. It was a disaster, and I have warm fuzz. I am glad that is the case.

In fact, my only lingering sadness is that I cannot be in San Diego with my siblings to share this event in our lives (my sister who lives out here is coming over today and we will be skyping the larger of the clan, which is the next best thing). Being sad bites hard, but if the only negative feeling that is grand enough to take root in my heart is sadness at being away from a family that I have such great genuine affection and admiration for, I think we are all ok.

I love you, Mom and Dad, and I love you sibs. 

I am for marriage equality

I have been scared to post my thoughts on this issue for YEARS now. I know it will cause opinions of me to change, and make many waves. But I want to be brave. If I am so scared to come out as pro marriage equality, then how scared and lonely do those who are facing coming out, or being attracted to the same sex, must feel. I think it is brave to show who you are. I want to be brave too.


 I know that this is in text form, so you cannot see my heart or gestures in all of this. Please read it with a filter in your mind knowing me, and knowing that all I am trying to do is live love. I think this might be coming across harsher than it seems. I am pro love, pro peace, and pro equal rights.

I am for marriage equality. I have wrestled round and round with it, read scripture, sought counsel, read articles, translated greek, and I have come to this decision through all of that. It is not something half hearted or swayed by popular opinion at all. Far from it honestly. The people I see around me, usually, out here in the south are church going people who consider themselves Christians. So what I have to say and my view on the issue is VERY unpopular, but it is a truth I have come to, and I cannot stay quiet. I do honestly feel called to be brave in saying what I believe publicly. I know this will lead to me making waves in church, for my husband who works in church, and for even my relationship with my family. I do not do this lightly. I knew saying "yay for equality" publicly on facebook would make people think I am crazy, make people question my beliefs, and I am ready for that. Questioning beliefs is ALWAYS a good thing. If you are secure in who God is, and him being all knowing, all powerful, and all perfect, then questioning in a political, scientific, or humanitarian way will only bring you closer to God.

Why Facebook? Why not person to person in small groups? Facebook is where the people are. And frankly not many want to talk about the hard stuff, and not many can remain loving while something they hold near, or have known their whole life is being challenged. I would love to talk face to face about this. Just be sweet.

I have been privileged to live in three different regions on the US, and travel to almost all the states. I have met many people walking many different paths. I think people are beautiful. They all have a story and a different color that adds to the vast vibrance that makes up humanity. Not everyone likes all the colors they see, but they are all beautiful. To say some are less beautiful because of sin makes no sense to me. Because God created all beautiful, and we are all sinners. We are all imperfect. All our different colors are tarnished in some way. Different ways, but all dulled by the crap in our lives.

This actually came to a head in the civil rights movement when anyone who was not white was not considered as important under the law. I would like to think the Christians were the ones standing for equality then, and some were, but that was not the majority. It was a social issue that bled into our politics, and we created this sort of 'sub human' group because of outward differences. We look back, as people, and are ashamed how ignorant we could have been. But we are doing THE SAME THING with those who are attracted to the same sex. We are not giving them all the rights that heterosexuals have. We are not. That is a fact. We are treated them less than others. It is not just a piece of paper that we are withholding, it is so much more. Tax dollars, health benefits, monetary benefits, benefits to real estate and visitation rights, and so much more than I could fit here. I would dare for anyone who is female who does not think this group of people is being discriminated against under the law think back 100 years when women were a sub group of people who could not own land, hold jobs, vote, or make their own reproductive decisions. It is a scary thought. I do not take my freedom lightly. There were many brave and 'crazy' women who fought the fight then, so I could fight this fight now.

I am not talking about a law to marry animals. No one is.

I am not talking about a law to marry more than one person at a time. No one is.

I am not talking about a law to marry a minor. No one is.

We are talking about a law for a consenting adult man to marry a consenting adult man. Or woman to marry a consenting adult woman.

Yes the church calls it marriage. Yes the government calls it marriage. It is a word. To say that we cannot share a word it very childish to me. My marriage of almost 6 years if very different than almost every other marriage I  know. They all are. You make your marriage what you want it to be, and you let everyone else make their marriage what they want it to be. It is a word. No one's marriage being different to yours changes yours in any way. You make your marriage what it is.

What it comes down to for me is not even a 'religious' issue. It has NOTHING to do with if homosexuality is a 'sin'. No one is asking if it is or not. And from the people who are attracted to the same sex that I know, they don't really care what the large, huge, and intimidating entity know as Christianity thinks about the decisions they are making. They already know what the 'church' thinks. They are not looking for approval from that group of people. Dare I say they are not even looking for approval. They want the same rights as everyone else. That is all. The beauty of separation of Church and state, the whole reason the US began (being religious freedom), is that the law and my church don't need to sync. Nor will it EVER! and that is ok with me. There are enough issues in the church, and plenty of issues in the white house. I don't need them bleeding over into each other. It is not up to me, as a Jesus follower, to make my own government and country, and hide away under laws that follow my personal belief system.

So for the argument of NOT voting for marriage equality due to homosexuality being a sin makes no sense for me. Let's take this out of this 'gay' box and think of if differently. Obesity is a sin. It causes kids to have shorter and less productive lives. It takes parents away from their kids too early. It messes up the ratios of what countries consume and which need what resources. It jacks up the economy and makes health care costs unaffordable for almost half the population. So, then, should we say those who are obese, because they are participating in this 'sin', not be eligible for health care? Should they not be able to own homes, have kids, hold jobs? Maybe we make them pay twice as much in taxes? Should we vote that under the law they be treated different than anyone else? With health care lets go to premarital sex. If someone contracts an STD out of wedlock, should they not be allowed to see a doctor? What if a woman gets pregnant out of a marriage. Should she be shunned by any and every government institution, or not receive and aid because of her sin? Should the law not pertain to her because of her choices? This can go into people who are lazy, those who gossip, those who have substance abuse or anger issues...this is all sin. We cannot make laws based on who is sinning and who is not. Or if someone is doing something we don't think they should do. I know that might sound ideal to some, to hide up, all together, all believing the same thing, and have one body of government that only applies to us. But that is not realistic. And that is not America. And the kink in that plan is we are all sinners! We all have something in our lives that would disqualify us from living in a perfect, bible believing, christian government.

And this is not a place I would want to be.

*yes some laws are the same in the political system as the systematic beliefs of Christianity like stealing and murder. I know that. There will be some overlap. Obviously.

I follow Jesus. I am not a scholar or a priest, but I have, for years, followed, learned, researched, and attempted to mimic the teachings of Jesus. What did he say of government? Give to Caesar what is Caesars, and give to God what is God's. Even he saw that there was a separation. Not only did he fight for, stand up for, and love those who were not living perfect lives, he included himself with them. No one lives a perfect life. He sought to love those who were the most outcast, the most downtrodden, and the most overlooked in the society. And he stood up for them. I think, in today's culture, that group of people would be homosexuals. They have been bullied, pushed around, and blatantly judged by society, and mainly the church. I do not want to be part of that. I want to be part of a movement that fights of all rights to all people. Every color and hue that makes up our brilliant humanity. My beliefs on if it is a sin has no bearing on me voting for marriage to be a political privilege to all consenting adults. It is separate from the bible, and separate from church, because that is how our country was formed.

*To get my beliefs on if it is a sin takes HOURS of conversation and lots of coffee. So call me. We will hang.

I want to be a radical, like Jesus, fighting for those who need to be fought for, regardless if I think they are sinning differently than I am. I have know far too many awesome, good, kind, loving, committed, and peace loving people in my life who happened to be attracted to the same sex getting hated on by the church, being shunned by society, and being forgotten by the laws of this country. I live a life of acceptance to all, just because they are humans, and deserving of the same love, light, and rights that I have. I will not show them hate. I will not let them be shunned, and I will fight and vote so that they are not forgotten.

I hope this all makes sense, and that you can see I am passionate about the issue, only because I truly feel it is right to be, for me. Maybe it is my calling, or maybe it is just how I am wired, but I cannot stray from the conviction I have to fight for justice for all. Equally.


Side note - I HATE using 'they' to refer to a group of people, but I could not see a way around it. I think we are all a 'we' - humans :)


I encourage you all to be brave. I hope you fight for for peace and love at all times, and at all costs.

Thank you

Beka

Cooking is sexy

For some reason there was a trend that started years ago where women did not know how to cook, and it was cool. I am not sure why it was cool, but it was. I think it was a feminism push of going against what was expected for so many years. I am all for feminism, and consider myself (and others would as well) a feminist.

However, I think cooking is sexy. I am not just saying that men who know how to cook is sexy (though they are!), I am saying that women who can own the kitchen is hot.

I also think that it is a bold and independent move to know how to cook. There is nothing more empowering than not relying on anyone else but yourself. This should go for what you eat as well! For reals! Can you go home and make a meal, or do you RELY on a spouse, friend, Mom, whateves to make you your food. And I am not talking about a microwave mess. I am talking about good, homemade, healthy food. Can you do that on your own?

If you can, props. I feel like you are in the minority, and that you rock.

If not, I think that you need to learn! Let's not rely on someone or some company to give us the nutrients we need. Own that role! Grab you a cooking book and get to it girl! Take back the title of home maker and make the home full of good food! You will not be sorry.

Happy cooking.

Beka

starbucks

I love coffee. I can't drink a lot of it because of the caffeine, but mmmmmmm I wish I could. I like to make it at home, and get it out. Obviously it is cheaper making it at home, and my Keurig makes it super easy to do.

But there is something about that logo and hot sleeve on a starbucks cup. I don't know what it is. I travel for work, and when I show up with that cup in my hand, I feel more powerful. I have no idea why. I think it is just the hard hitting world of consumerism that we live in. I always think I am above it, but I am not. To show the world that I can afford this coffee (which is more expensive for me to make soy), and enjoy it like everyone else gives me worth.

I call BS on myself.

Saying all of that out loud makes me sound ridiculous. I am a strong, powerful, and frugal gal who is above all the marketing and media. I am. I don't need no stinkin starbucks cup! That stands for more of what I DON'T want to be than what I do want to be. So lately I have been embracing another power symbol; the reusable mug!

That's right everyone, I am a mom, with a super corny travel mug of my husband and my baby. I am drinking homemade tea/coffee because I am smarter than paying for a 5$ cup of coffee, so I am making it at home for 16 cents! And I am earth conscious at the same time.

Bam!

That's what I think about that. 

What Beka says...

Hello blog reader! I am honestly thrilled that you would find me and what I have to say interesting enough to read this blog.

Welcome, I am glad you are here :)

I really am.

I have been wanting to do something like this blog for a while. I have lots of fun ideas and opinions, and I often do not have the time or outlets to share them.

 Actually, if I am being honest (and because of the bravery that I acquire whilst behind a computer screen, I am) what keeps me back the majority of the time is that I do not feel like what I have to say is important, or worth hearing. With lots of love and encouragement from those around me, I am trying to silence that evil, self-loathing monster that lives on my shoulder. I hate him (sorry guys, but I just picture my doubt monster to be a male...and to kinda look like a cross between a muppet and the mucinex mucus monster...gross, but oddly cuddly).

What most stirred me in making this blog was a very sad event that took place last year. Not sad like someone died sad, but sad like a dream of mine that I had been building for almost a decade came crashing down. I cannot get into all the details, but the short of it goes like this:

I have always wanted to build and create a brand of clothing and goods called B.mae designs. I wanted it to be focused around people loving themselves, loving art, and finding that they are beautiful creatures. I began to dream up a company, motto, logos, and every detail down to what I would have the tags of  the ever so cool, trendy, and comfortable garments that I would hand make in high school say. I had business plans and dreams that would take me to the moon and back, making every star and planet look fabulous on the way. I went to school to learn how to do this. I worked a full time job and attended classes four or five days a week for four hours at night, after working my 8+ hours a day five to six days a week. I supported myself, by myself, along the way. It was a very difficult time of life, but I now have my certificate of fashion design and technology. I am very proud of it, and my self for finishing. That schooling led me to get the job in visual merchandising that I have now. It is a great job, and I LOVE it, but it is not fashion. It does, however, pay the bills.

In the midst of this dreaming of my company and working my self to death in school I met and married a man named Michael Oakley (theadeventuresofteamoakley.blogspot.com to see how fabulous we are together!). He is wonderful, and most of the reason I began dreaming again after...well...I am getting ahead of myself....

 After I graduated we married he got an awesome job in Vegas, so I followed doing the visual merchandising thing out there. I was 21 when I got married, and figured I had time to live my dream later. After Vegas ended, we landed on some hard times, and we moved for a career change to Nashville TN. I worked like a mad woman so we could pay the bills while Michael was employed in said career that changed, part time. Once the job that I was doing in Vegas picked back up in Nashville I was able to quit the random retail management gig that I was in working 50 hours a week. I was stoked to get my old job back ( I LOVE my job. Not everyone can say that, so I feel so blessed to do something that I actually like to do!), but it would be traveling. Most, if not all, of my accounts are three+ hours away from home base. I would have down time between accounts, as I am only a part timer with this job, so I thought it would be perfect! I could travel a bit (which I love) and on my down time I can FINALLY start doing what I was meant to do! I will start my company!


Well I quickly learned that starting a design company takes money and space...both of which we had ZERO of when we first got to Nashville...LOL...first got to Nashville...who am I kidding!?! We are still broke and living in a tiny house....but the difference is we are broke with a budget and a goal, and we have our own space. It is much different than living penny to penny in your in-law's spare bedroom (which was the case when we first moved to Nashville).

So until we got ourselves some money, time, and workspace I would just continue to play out my career fantasies in my head.... Then something happened that I never thought would happen. I got pregnant! I have endometriosis, which is an autoimmune disease of the reproductive organs (http://www.endometriosisassn.org for more info). The disease was not new to me; I was diagnosed when I was 19. There are many horrible and detrimental side effects to this disease, but one of the most devastating is infertility. Each doctor that has had the pleasure of slicing me open to survey the damage the disease has had on my body had come out of surgery saying the chances of me ever getting pregnant are bleak, if there are even chances due to the severity of my condition....

But against all odds we conceived! It is the most joyous thing that has ever happened to me. I would not change it for the world. But if we were short on time, money, and space now...whew! I knew my dreams would be pushed back even farther. But I was more than happy to do so for the chance of being a mom!!! (my precious Emery was born on my 25th birthday, and he is the most awesome creature in the world...ask anyone).

This is turing into a not so "the short of the story"....anyways why I go on and on about the reasons that I pushed back my goal was that the whole time I thought I was safe. I thought the thoughts in my head and this wonderfully laid out plan (again, in my head) for an awesome and successful brand and company are safe and ready to be put into the world when the stars aligned. However plans in your head are not fully protected. Though I had done some things with dates on them, and put my idea out there to some people, I did not take legal steps to secure any part of my company. When shopping for things to put on our baby registry I saw that there was a company that sold really cool kids toys that was eerily close to what I was going to call mine. And the motto for their company was almost word for word the motto I was going to use...I was crushed. I went home and googled all the ideas that I thought were safe in my head.... there were multiple companies that had ideas, brands, logos, mottos and designs that were way too close to what I had been building in my head for years. And by way to close I mean I would get royally sued if I tried to put my great ideas out there now. Ten + years of creating my future was lost. That day I realized that I could not do what I wanted to do. I could not go where I felt I was made to travel. I know I said it before, but 'crushed' is the only way I can describe how it felt to see all of these things slip out my my grasp.

It was my own fault, but there is nothing I can do now. I cannot go back and I cannot change things. I am not even sure where to go from here as far as a company or brand goes (but when I do figure that out you bet I am going to trademark the crap out of it!), but I know being silent about good ideas and my opinions does not work. It does no good. I always have something to say, and if I do not say them, then no one hears them. Simple, I know, but that is what spurred this blog to actually happen. I am going to put out there what I think and what I feel. It will be mostly about fashion, art, and culture, but you may find a post about health, food, or spirituality as well. Just wait to find out :)

You do not have to agree or like what I say, but I genuinely hope you do. Or at least I hope you can take something positive and uplifting from it. That is my goal.

So there is the background to how this blog was created.

I am personally looking forward to the journey.

I would be delighted if you would come too.

Thank you for reading,

Beka